This is the worst trip I've ever been on

Hello blowtorch, it’s been a while.

The last time was in the final weeks of the tanned one’s reign when we were lucky enough to have a few cracks at it:

• after he screamed at Mitch Morton that he’d ended his career
• when Robbo said he’d been sacked but he hadn’t and Joel Bowden got chased down the street by Hutchy
• then finally when it all came to a screaming halt and it was awkward when none of the players offered to chair him off.

I don’t think Hardwick has lost the players as this isn’t about lack of application, but I’ve a suspicion that Hardwick has lost a grip of where footy is headed. And it’s about to get a lot worse when he finds Mark Stevens hiding in his bin on Monday morning. Everything is going to change now and I hope he’s got as good a friends as Ron and Harry.

We look like a side that spoke about getting better all summer rather than doing it. While everyone else was running the Tan in preparation for the new interchange rule, we were talking about how much we were learning from the final and recruiting mature age battlers.

In short, we’ve become the English cricket team:

England unconvincingly won the winter Ashes 3-0 and, rightly, were pretty chuffed with themselves.

Richmond played our first final since Karl Marx stopped shaving and, rightly, we were pretty chuffed with ourselves.

And that’s where the good times ended for both.

England looked only at the 3-0 scoreline and assumed things would be the same, didn’t look for improvement, thought the wins would keep coming, went through the motions and got the fright of their lives in Brisbane.

Richmond looked only at the fact we finished (a very soft) fifth and assumed things would just keep improving, we spoke about improvement rather than actually doing it, spent the summer reading our own press and now we are 1-3 and no chance of playing finals.

We are the Army, the Tiger Army, we are brittle and we are confused. 

Brendan Gale must sit back the morning after a game like that; grab a coffee and wonder why he isn’t making seven figures in the corporate world. In a reasonable short period of time, he’s given the playing and coaching group everything they could possibly need to succeed, for christ’s sake he made them a song. But playing and coaching wise, we look as far away as we did on Gale’s first day at work.

He might have been keeping his cards close to his chest, but watching Hardwick go through the motions in the press conference was terrifying. Minutes before Buckley spoke freely and deeply about his players, game plan and the opposition. Hardwick spoke in clichés like ‘finding our mojo’ and inviting media criticism because ‘nothing changes in our four walls ‘, Dimma – it’s well beyond finding mojo and plenty needs to change between our four walls. The problem ain’t the players, it’s the game plan.

Where was the run of last year? The willingness to switch? The handball options streaming off half back? And guys taking the first option rather than waiting?

We needed to be up for the fight last night and from the very first bounce our structures and team selection didn’t allow us to. Collingwood aren’t quick by any stretch but they killed us on the spread. We won the clearances but that doesn’t really matter when have no runners to clear it to and you can only hoof it wildly forty metres and hope for the best.

Houli never used to second guess his kicks, Chaplin didn’t fumble, Ellis willed himself to the next contest, Dusty didn’t try to make ludicrious 25 metre passes and Grimes didn’t looked constantly panicked. How many soft goals are we going to continue to leak at forward stoppages? How many times are our blokes going to go to ground? And despite his winding back the clock with some truly wonderful junk time, how much longer can we carry Chris Newman?

We’ve become the only team in the competition who can’t cover the quick kick out of our forward line and I really wouldn’t mind someone explaining that to me.

I like Matt Thomas and it isn’t his fault but if we want to get to where we thought we could get to then he can’t play in the same team as Jackson. Gordon showed a bit last week, but barely fired a shot last night and bizarrely gave Arnot a spray late in the game while there was still a contested ball to win. If we are going to play battlers, they have to be the right side of 21.

If I was in the twos today, I wouldn’t even worry about getting the ball – I’d just ignore the contest and sprint up and down the ground to show everyone how quick I am. We need speed. Sadly, it’s tough to see where it’s coming from. Of the guys on the list who didn’t play last night and aren’t injured: Batchelor, Knights, King, Helbig, McIntosh, McBean, Lennon, McDonough, Stephenson, O’Hanlon, Banfield, Miles, Williams and Derrou, only a handful have wheels.

Say what you want about McCaffer’s tactics, but far more damning was the fact not one Richmond player seemed to want to help our skipper out. I’m not talking cave in the side of his skull, but how about just getting in between them. The number of times Cotchin has dragged us over the line and he doesn’t have one mate willing to chop out a block.....

Amongst the rubble, there were some good things. Astbury’s stocks continue to rise while everyone around him is going to shit, Lloyd’s debut was wonderful and Conca and Vlastuin continue to show they may be able to fill the on-field leadership chasm.

In short, more than once last night we made Luke Ball look quick and Clinton Young look tough and that is a truly awful place to be this early in a season.

Votes

5: David Astbury

4: Sam Lloyd

3: Reece Conca

2: Nick Vlastuin

1: Daniel Jackson

Leaderboards

The Benny

10: David Astbury

9: Trent Cotchin

5: David Astbury, Jack Riewoldt, Steven Morris

4: Shaun Hampson, Ricky Petterd, Matt Thomas, Sam Lloyd

3: Ty Vickery, Reece Conca

2: Brett Deledio, Brandon Ellis, Nick Vlastuin

1: Ben Griffiths, Orren Stephenson, Daniel Jackson

Blair Hartley Appreciation Award

4: Shaun Hampson, Ricky Petterd, Matt Thomas

Anthony Banik Best First Year Player

4: Sam Lloyd

Joel Bowden’s Golden Left Boot

N/A

Greg Tivendale Rookie Medal

4: Matt Thomas

1: Orren Stephenson

Championship belt

Incumbent	Winner	Streak	Wins
NA	Cotchin	1	1
Cotchin	Astbury	1	1
Astbury	Riewoldt	1	1
Riewoldt	Astbury	1	2